Category: Tutti Frutti
Ingredients: 1 1/4 oz citrus vodka, 1/2 oz triple sec, splash cranberry, squeeze lime, (Preparation: shake and strain)
History: Long before Sex and the City was even a glimmer in a writers eyes, the Cosmopolitan had a long and seedy history in the underground speakeasies throughout America. Back in the 1800’s, the rich and famous were well known for having lavish swinging sex parties with chalices made of gold, food fit for kings and a special concoction made from vodka, cranberry, imported lime and other sweet and tasty additions. It was told that many times after one of these all night love fests a member of the elite would be caught wandering the city streets… hair disheveled, clothes amiss and mumbling of having been to foreign lands and experienced new and fantastic cultures. These walk of shamers’ soon became known as the Cosmopolitans and the drink became known as their vice.
Category: Wild N Wacky
Ingredients: 1/4 oz melon liqueur, 1/4 oz peach schnapps, 1/4 oz southern comfort, 1/4 oz amaretto, splash sweet and sour (Preparation: shake and strain)
History: Deep in the Australian outback, there lives the legendary explorer and animal tracker, Danny “The Stalker” Walker. Known for his extraordinary tracking skills, Mr. Walker was by far the best animal rescuer of his generation. On one fateful occasion, Danny was hired by Madam Bouchez, one of Australia’s wealthiest widows. Madam Bouchez had lost her beloved toy poodle, Mr. Puddlesworth, to a freak gust of wind that swept the poor furry fellow from her vast mansion grounds and deep into the bowels of the outback. Danny set forth in a frantic manner knowing time was of the essence in this rescue mission. Heading off with his trusty pet alligator, Antoine, “The Stalker” soon honed in on the wee pooch, but to his horror Mr. Puddlesworh was locked in the jaws of a huge crocodile. Known for his immense bravery, but unfortunately also for his huge lack of common sense, Danny jumped on the colossal croc and wrestled the petrified poodle free. But in the altercation, Danny wasn’t so lucky, losing an arm and a leg before his trusty pet alligator Antoine unleashed all hell and exacted revenge on the crafty croc. With no supplies left, Antoine realized the only way to keep his master from dehydrating and hence certain death was to urinate on his head frequently. He did this for 10 long days, and then, just when they thought their time was up, from nowhere appeared a friendly group of wandering Aborigines who took the weary warriors to safety. Now retired from the animal tracking business because of his lack of limbs, Danny lives comfortably due to the large reward paid to him from Madam Bouchez for retrieving Mr. Puddlesworth. These days “The Stalker” spends most of his time in his local tavern, where he tells the story of his final rescue mission to the tourists that frequently drop by. With Antoine by his side, Danny always ends the incredible tale by buying a round of shots for whoever has listened. That shot? Of course he named it…..Alligator Piss.
Category: Creamy N Dreamy
Ingredients: 1/2 oz vodka, 1/2 oz coffee liqueur, 1/2 oz Irish cream liqueur, 1/2 oz frangelico, 1/2 oz cream (Preparation: shake and strain)
History: In the days of the Cold War it was well known throughout the world that if you were caught as a spy you would be interrogated by KGB agents in dark underground chambers and given a truth serum to persuade you to give up top secret information. This truth serum became known as the Russian Quaalude. In modern times this truth serum is still used in dark underground chambers (ie; bars/nightclubs) throughout the world to make people say things they would not normally say and do things they most certainly would never do. Once feared by governments the Russian Quaalude has become a tasty favorite of hipsters everywhere.
Category: Wild N Wacky
Ingredients: 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps, 1/2 oz Irish cream liqueur, 1/2 oz Southern comfort (Preparation: Layer)
History: Chitesville, Louisiana 1919, the nation’s most popular involuntary-combat spectator sport, cock fighting, was at fever pitch and a young cowboy by the name of Dwain Ford Cummins was widely known as the premier cock fighting trainer in the business. Cummins, who was feared by cock owners nation (and possibly) world wide, had a special way of preparing his champion game cock for battle. Unbeknownst to the cock fighting commission at the time, Dwain would put together a potent but tasty concoction of butterscotch schnapps, Irish cream liqueur and Southern Comfort and gargle until warm n’ frothy. At this point he would insert the head of his large cock into his mouth and to the cock’s great delight it would quickly consume the potent mixture of sweet alcoholic goodness. Energized by this pleasurable stiff and sugary mixture, his huge cock would fight in a fearless and frantic manner, destroying everything in its path. But with an unprecedented 69-0 record this spectacular run came to an abrupt end with the introduction of Prohibition in January 1920. Suddenly, the young cowboy’s prize cock with the lack of liquid courage performed in a much slower and almost chicken-like manner, getting beaten by other smaller and insignificant cocks in embarrassing regularity. The end was inevitable and Cummins and his insignificant cock retired soon after. We do however raise a glass to Cowboy Cummins and make a toast to the power of a large drunken cock.